if all the world were a stage

i’d be totally frenched.  see, i hate theatre.  well, not theatre, musicals.  and not just in theatres.  in the movies, too.  although i know that the venues in which movies are played are called theatres as well.  and the soundtracks.  everything.  EVERYTHING about it. 

even my generational imperative for love of nostalgia, real, manufactured and otherwise, has begun to fail the wizard of oz, grease and the sound of music.  those are the musicals i grew up on and so loved as part of my childhood.  at some point in the last ten years, i realized i may love them for what they meant to me at 6, 4, 8, i don’t actually like them.  i don’t want to see them. ever.  again. 

i was chuffed to play jan in PS 21s magnificent stage production of grease.  i LOVED, LOVED LOVED the Sound of Music Tour i went on during my first european backpacking tour.  it was spectacular.  you get to see all of salzburg- an astoundingly beautiful and friendly city, but you also go into the alps, have lunch in the village of st. gilgen, which contains the church from the movie, motzart’s familial roots and a mountain lake of the most incredible blue I have ever seen.  on the way back, you can even give an alpine slide a shot.  you sing the songs on the bus- ineveitably filled with australian, american, canadian and japanese tourists.  everyone knows how absurd the experience is-

oh, to experience the sublime while being completely aware of it…

and now for something completely different…

i am leaving tomorrow for a well earned and much needed ten day sojourn to the canary islands and the fine city of barcelona.  i’m so freaking out trying to get things done that i have yet to pack or even realize that i’m actually, really, truly going on vacation.  it’s been forever.

all that being said, i thought it might be an appropriate time to weigh in on the mid-season slum fest that is summer tv.  some highlights:

• age of love (mondays, 9 pm, nbc).  the premise of this show is that mark phillipoussis, bachelor aussie tennis pro, is looking for love.  the diminutive husband of everyone’s favorite perky skeletal morning show hostess, mark consuelos has cooked up an interesting “experiment” for our love-lorn man from oz.  a bunch of hotter than they have any right to be “40 somethings” vie for his attentions against a group of generically implanted brain dead “20 somethings.”  ok.  this show is awful.  horrible.  train-wreck appointment television.  and yes, it’s on my dvr.  because every week i say i’m not going to watch it and then joel mchale serves me an incredible montage of nonsense that forces me to tune in.  BEST PART: the fact that the premise is drilled into your head every five to thirty seconds with voice overs, visual cues, symbols and text.  also, there’s a digerydoo nailed to the wall of mark’s bachelor pad.

• rock of love with bret michaels (sunday, 9 pm, vh1).  don’t let the lack of flavor flav or new york get you down, kiddies!  vh1 goes back to the bottom of the cultural barrel to bring you a rock and roll version of flav’s quest for a “lady.”  tattoos, implants, drinking, cursing, cat fights and eyeliner abound.  despite my junior high love for ricky rockett and my new-found surreal life inspired love for cc deville, i have nothing for bret.  about all i can say for him is that he seems to make sense.  within his frame of logic of course.  HIGHLIGHT: the abuse of alcohol that precipitates subtitles, which are as filled with nonsense and ambiguity as the speech that inspires it.

• scott baio is 45.. and single!  (sunday, 10 pm, vh1).  no, it’s not chachi in a house full of sluts vying for his attention.  it’s the documentation of scott’s journey to explore his fear of commitment including his hiring of a life coach, cutting off his girlfriend, guy time with his trio of buddies in LA (think entourage fast-forwarded twenty years), including wayne, the older brother from “the wonder years.”  he’s charming, fucked up, and the premise is interesting.  his coach makes him visit all his exes to figure out what went wrong (including his first.  none other than…. joanie!!!).  BEST PART: previews of him having to cut off his ‘turtle,’ the guy that can’t get laid without him, so sabotages scott’s attempts to better himself.  OR when he “bumps into” cliff howard at his agent’s office.  OR when turtle II tries to get said agent to book him a job.  OR when he calls henry winkler who answers the phone “scott baio, as i live and breathe…”  and all this on the first episode.  i have high hopes for this one.

• World Series of Pop Culture (Tuesday, 9 pm, vh1).  simultaneously allows you the opportunity to frustrate yourself with how much you can’t remember and horrify yourself with how much you know about this shit.  i mourn that sunny d can’t participate because she works for viacom and that we were both turned down for who wants to be a millionaire pop culture edition, despite passing the written test (damn you, abc!).  BEST PART: an entire category dedicated to my boyfriend, alec baldwin.

• the spelling bee/ don’t forget the lyrics (i don’t know and i don’t care).  another one of those pop cultural two-fers.  i’m not sure which is the chicken or which is the egg, but i do know that it matters not a bit.  one has joey fatone from n’ sync and the other one has wayne brady.  no, i’m not kidding.  satan’s come a-collecting, i guess.  BEST PART: the “final countdown” sequence that the soup has used to wonderful effect.

• the closer (Monday, 9 pm, TNT).  the best show on summer tv, hands down.  for reals.  it’s interesting, well written, well acted and fun.  kyra sedgwick rocks wither her ridiculous outfits, clever ruses and pathological sweet tooth.  her character is probably the most fully realized female character ever to grace the small screen.  she’s not perfect and there are no apologies.  also, she has the HOTTEST boyfriend- an fbi agent named fritz (played by jon tenney).  he’s sexy, smart, and just puts up with her shit without being a lapdog.  also, it has j.jonah jameson (j.k. simmons) as her perturbed former lover/ boss, the security guard from mannequin and detective daniels- a black, not crazy version of angelina jolie.  BEST PART: did i mention fritz?

sidebar: for those of you who wonder what kind of tv floats bubba’s boat, it seems that the once and future president(s) tivo 24 and grey’s anatomy.  sunny d got to see the mrs. speak at viacom yesterday.  she said she was amazing.  and i said, finally, i’m investing in the right thing.  that’s right: hillary ’08.

fleeing (to) the cleve

so, all of you 30 Rock fans out there- which should be all of you- must have loved the season finale, “Cleveland.”  it was typically hilarious and ridiculous and, as usual, has creepy parallels to rather specific things in my life.

like liz’s cell phone ring is wagner.  the cell goes off.  the english avian bone chick says “oh, you like vagner?”  and liz says “no, i like elmer fudd.”  and so, dawn turns to me and says “damn.  she is you.”  which i like, because I like to pretend i’m as successful, smart or funny as tina fey or liz lemon.  we do have a lot in common, though I do have the better name and am not pretending to vote for Barack Obama.

so then, the episode goes on to be all about cleveland and the excellence of ‘the cleve’ in relation to nyc.  and where would i be traveling to eight (EIGHT!) times in the next three weeks?  you get the gold star, kids!  the cleve. 

several of these fantastic trips filled with cash and prizes (read: marathon meetings and getting lost at HQ) involve the 6:30 am flight out of laguardia and coming back later that night.  next week, i’m actually coming home for 20 or so hours on wednesday, just to remind myself what my bed is like, and get my body a little un-twisted at the doc’s. 

yesterday’s first taste bodes well for the merry, merry month of may, as i sat on the runway at cleveland hopkins airport for hours because of thunderstorms.  not the ones that were actually happening in cleveland (as we were getting on the plane, i was watching lightning hit the runways), but the ones that might be happening in new york later.  might. be. happening.

the upside is that i do get to see a game at the jake (weather permitting), but as yet see no lunch with little richard at the r&r hall of fame on my itinerary.

also, there’s no alec baldwin involved.  i know, i know.  but he makes me laugh and has the best voice on the planet.  and trust me, my dad’s said way worse.  so get off my back.