that is if you’re an enormous nerd like me.
1. Watch a Lifetime movie starring Jenna Elfman as a woman obsessed with a surgeon who has invented an entire relationship in her head (as well as a gauzily-lit psychiatrist and a contempt of court-prone journalist). Best line from the court-appointed psychiatrist: “she has seven of the ten traits of an assassin.” …? I didn’t know these had been catalogued. Fortunately, the good people at Lifetime TV have their eyes on things.
Aside: Thank god people don’t diagnose themselves with imagined illnesses based on Lifetime plots like they do on WebMD. My friend Christina jokes that she hates that website because somehow, whenever she feels ill and researches her symptoms, she ends up with a diagnosis of testicular cancer and the prognosis does not look good. The Lifetime result would be neuro-eroticism (Jenna’s official diagnosis) or imaginary child syndrome (featured in an excellent production starring Rita Wilson and Victor Garber, by the way).
2. Color in your coloring books. Yeah, you heard me. I do indeed have coloring books. And man, do I need some new ones. At this point I’m pretty much down to the German Sesame Street coloring book I got as a freebie at an old job. It’s not very challenging, but it is awesomely sterotypical as several of the scenes face pages that firmly instruct kiddies on exaclty which colors to use and how one must play properly.
3. Brush your teeth a lot. For some reason, being lazy makes my mouth feel dirty. God help me if a Freudian gets a hold of this sentence.
4. Watch Empire Strikes Back. Awesome, it is.
5. Play word games on a website designed for seven year olds. It’s not that I’m looking for easy- I can usually nail the Sunday Times crossword in half an hour flat- I just need enough points to buy my virtual pet some food and books. I don’t want my red, bowtie wearing penguin to be considered stupid, after all.
6. Whatever you do, don’t clean, organize, balance your check book, pay bills, write to people or make overdue phone calls. That sounds like work, man. And we cannot have that on our rainy day off.
7. Write inconsequential entries on your blog to bide time until the Psychic Detectives marathon begins.
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