a woman’s heart is a deep ocean

that’s what i learned tonight, kids.  

i finally sucked it up and watched titanic with sunny d, settling our bet from the march madness brackets at long last.  i have to say, while it’s not the worst movie i’ve ever seen (i fully expect battlefield earth to hold that honor forever), it pretty much lived up to my expectations of cheesy dialogue and extremely predictable scenes.  in fact, the only thing i didn’t entirely expect was learning that guggenheim died on the boat. 

now, you might be saying to yourself, “Self, of course isosceles knew what would happen.  the overall story is well known and the movie was a mega blockbuster that everyone was talking about.”  fair enough on the first point.  but on the second, i really didn’t hear it.  mostly because i would stick my fingers in my ears and go “la alalala alal ala la la a la la la” until people stopped. 

what?  i never claimed to be the model of maturity.

anyway, mostly i was bored and irked at the fact that nobody seemed all that bothered by the cripplingly cold waters, until jack freezes to death at the end.  oops.  did i give that away?  isn’t it unbelievable? 

ok.  i have to admit that i did come close to tears at the end, but mostly because after looking at bill paxton’s earring, the superbad acting of the “old lady,” and the moment she throws the diamond away, i was saddened that kate winslet was a part of such a piece of, uh, mediocrity.

and then it happened.  i truly emotionally connected with the film.  rose dies an old, old lady in her bed, like she promised jack.  and that emotion was outrage.  i was as irate at this moment as when all the professors put their pens on russel crowe’s table at the end of a beautiful mind.  i keep hearing brian cox’s speech in adaptation that charlie kaufman attends, which he ends with “And God help you if you use voice-over in your work, my friends. God help you. That’s flaccid, sloppy writing. Any idiot can write a voice-over narration to explain the thoughts of a character.”

my final review: even if this movie was really, truly good, it would not be worth the eternal hell it has unleashed on the world via celine dion and her heart going on.