B.O.L.O.*- grey, bi-lobal, wrinkled mass of tissue weighing about 3 lbs.

People.  I have had my mind blown.  Several times today, and in the last few weeks, but I think today I’ve really done it.
So, yesterday I bought a plane ticket to Cairo for a 2.5 week sojourn through Egypt at the end of Ramadan.  Picked up my lonely planet guide- saw two pictures, and freaked out.  So excited.  Can’t comprehend that I will be looking at the sphinx, or the location of the great library of Alexandria.  Cannot. comprehend.
This morning, I went to see Dr. Doom (AKA the E.N.T.).  I’d spare you the gory details, but then there wouldn’t be any.  He removed a copious amount of seriously the most disgusting, (mostly solid), foulest- smelling biological tissue I have ever seen (keep in mind I majored in Bio in college, saw a two week old dead body as a kid and have been to Louisiana).  So many colors- every earth tone and green you can imagine.  At one point, I thought he was pulling my eyeball out through my nostril.  Ears still not popped. 
Then, I headed uptown to hit MyIntimacy.  This is where it happened.  It’s that bra shop you’ve seen the commercials for- 90% of women are wearing the wrong bra size, blah, blah, blah.  I’ve been meaning to go for some time.  I go in, get a “fitter,” enter the booth and take off my shirt, as instructed.  I was wearing my best-fitting bra.  I was actually Tut-tutted.  “You need to take that thing and throw it in the garbage.”  Um, OK I said.  She told me to get real close to the mirror and turn my back to her.  A long pause was followed by a “mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.”  “back is so small, that’s the problem.” 
really?  not the two enormous bags of fat hanging from my chest?
“turn around.”  So, I do.  She sizes me up for a minute- all visual, no tape measures here, not for Mireille.  She’s been doing this for many, many years.  “I’ll be right back.”
She leaves me standing there, half-naked, sweating (you know how shopping makes me sweat), bat-wing door slightly ajar.  Three and a half minutes later, she appears with three bras- not a one granny-style.
“34 H” she pronounces.
34???  seriously?   i thought my problem was that i was pushing it with the 36. 
Then, she shows me how to put it on.  ladies ™, I’ve been wearing a bra since i was 8.  For real.  Apparently, I’VE BEEN PUTTING A BRA ON WRONG FOR OVER FOURTEEN YEARS.  I bet you all are, too.  now, you’re thinking what i’m thinking: it’s pretty self explanatory, right?  Wrong.  The back needs to be LOW.  way low. and TIGHT.  It should be hard to rotate around front- on the last hooks.  Really difficult.  Like ‘this is going to rip’ hard.  Then, put on the straps.  Then, with BOTH hands, pull the back DOWN.  Then, move the side boobage forward.  Then, quote, “shake the girls.  hard.  so you’re fully in the cup.”  Then adjust the strap.  Even after the fifth bra, she told me she was going to have to “come home with me to make sure I was putting it on right.”
90% of the support should come from the band around the body, only 10% from the over-the-shoulder straps.  (thank god.  because seriously, these bitches are fucking HEAVY to lug around).
She showed me a bunch.  I told her when I first arrived that I wanted to buy three.  After seeing all these great, lacy bras that fit, without prompting, she suggested the three I should buy.  Didn’t even think of hinting I needed another.
Unfortunately, they don’t sell slips (need one for my dress for Howard’s wedding).  She suggested Macy’s.  I balked.  I can’t go into Macy’s.  The thought of it puts me in a cold sweat.  She’s been here for a couple of decades and has never been.  “Can’t stand to go into a store that big.”  Heee.
I’m not going to lie.  These bitches were EXPENSIVE.  $125 a pop.  The brand?  PrimaDonna.  ha ha.  I have a feeling mine were on the pricey side because of the yardage of material and industrial-strength elastic.  That being said, I wore one out of the store and I have to tell you: worth. every. penny.
Incidentally- I found out a week ago from a seamstress that I’ve been wearing my pants wrong for the last 30 years.  This damned low-rise trend is like a personal fashion hell for my “high waist.”
Between those two factors, I have now lost an illusory 15- 20 pounds.  Sweetness.
I was so high after that, that on the way to the subway I bought an ipod and 5 pairs of shoes.  Yeah, you heard me.  5 PAIRS.  More than I normally buy in a three year period.  Including?  A pair of silver sandals.  I know.  I know.  That’s how delightful my new bra is.
Then, what was left of my brain escaped during my subway reading home: Louis Botha, Winston Churchill and Mahatma Gandhi were all the same small battle at the start of the Anglo- Boer war.  Gandhi!  Holy shit. 
To sum up:  Found out I’ve been wearing to major articles of clothing wrong my whole adult life, and I’m not technically “special.”  Bought a plane ticket to one of the most amazing places on earth.  Spent an OBSCENE amount of money, and I don’t actually have a job after the 15th (of June).  5. Pair. of. Shoes.  Oh yeah- did I mention one of them is red patent leather?  yeah.  exactly.
Ladies ™, you need to go to this store and invest in some new bras.  It will change your life.
In the meantime, I now have an enormous stack of never worn, quite lovely bras from victoria’s Secret that I am tossing.  36D, 36DD, 36DDD.  Still have tags.  Anyone who’d like to do some shopping is more than welcome to take.  Though, I suspect you’ll be tossing them, too, once you go to this store.  Ask for Mireille.  I got her card. 
I’m beginning to suspect that maybe what’s been stuck in my sinuses are rogue parts of my brain that have fled in search of some sort of sanity.  Much like Merv Griffins Windexed victims in “The Man With Two Brains,” my head is now an empty vessel in search of a CPU.
* BOLO= Be On the Lookout for those of you who don’t watch Law & Order all day

3 Responses to “B.O.L.O.*- grey, bi-lobal, wrinkled mass of tissue weighing about 3 lbs.”

  1. 1 agirlgottaeat 24 May, 2008 at 03:24

    Congrats on the impending trip to Cairo. I’m way Jealous….You better blog all about it when you come back…Pics included 😉

    Yep I had the whole bra fitting epiphany and it REALLY makes a difference!! Really Ladies Try it! Which reminds me I’m do to get fitted again. Thanks

  2. 2 Bourgeoisify 21 June, 2008 at 05:38

    Somehow i missed the point. Probably lost in translation 🙂 Anyway … nice blog to visit.

    cheers, Bourgeoisify!!

  3. 3 ms. savory 22 June, 2008 at 22:28

    Everyone knows that I plan to title my autobiography “Boobs Up!” But now it’s for real. I took this advice and went for a fitting. My Victoria Secret 38Ds are up for grabs. My real size is a 36F.

    When I was about 15, I gave up my lifelong passion (and sole talent) of soccer in shame because arch-nemesis Scott King snapped my bra and shouted “titties never score”. If he could see me now.

    16 years and multiple feels later, I’m set back $350. But it is worth every penny. 2 bra/panty sets and a bathing suit. I’m floored.

    This day gets a whole chapter to itself.


    Thank you!

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“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”


Upon common theatres, indeed, the applause of the audience is of more importance to the actors than their own approbation. But upon the stage of life, while conscience claps, let the world hiss! On the contrary if conscience disapproves, the loudest applauses of the world are of little value - john adams
May 2008
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