Archive for the 'australia' Category

so many questions, and ones to which i actually DON’T want answers.

Read in this week’s The Week:

A Tasmanian man has avoided jail after being caught with hard-core octopus pornography.

Rodney McLagan, 48, had a collection of some 31,000 images and video clips, most of which depicted humans engaging in sex acts with snakes, tigers, and octopi. The judge suspended his sentence, citing a psychologist’s finding that McLagan suffers from clinically low self-esteem and that “you are particularly self-conscious about your teeth.”

So many questions, none of which I really want answered:

What is the attraction?  Is the slimy, fleshy consistency of octopi (precisely why I can’t eat them) and ew, I’m already making this worse than it is.

The suckers?  (stop it, now).

The blurb mentions hard-core octopus porn.  Does that mean there is soft-core octopus porn?  Doesn’t the fact that you’re looking at invertebrate smut qualify you as hard-core, just, right there?

Is hard-core snake and tiger porn so mundane it barely merits mention?  Those seem inherently more newsworthy, if only because these animals can actually kill you?  Maybe they went with the octopus angle to catch the halo effect of shark week buzz?

and the obligatory (bad) teeth joke:

Does this mean that millions of Englishmen are hiding illustrated Jules Verne novels under their mattresses?

ba-dum-dum!

 

Postscript:

I cannot wait to see how many new hits this blog gets from people searching for “invertebrate smut.”

 

So juicy.

So juicy.

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mooks, maoris and .357 magnums

hi kids.

it’s been a tick since i last checked in with you, but i have been up to quite a bit.  i dropped into hong kong for a kip, caught on movies via qantas in demand, went to very many meetings, got a new roommate, took a bus tour up to northland and a boat through a hole in a rock, made friends with a traditional maori dance troupe, accrued 30K frequent flyer miles and shot some guns.

since so much has happned, i guess it’s best to sum up the highlights and key takeaways:

  1. qantas has better business class than cathay pacific,
  2. spiderman 3 was the biggest let down in my movie going career since, well, ever, i guess,
  3. australia and new zealand may only be separated by the tasman sea, but they are worlds apart,
  4. kiwis say “awesome” more than americans,
  5. the all blacks might be the coolest rugby team on the planet.  but i’m such a poser, i’m basing that statement on the trivia from my bus tour driver and the cute jacket that i bought at the auckland airport,
  6. i didn’t go to the “lord of the rings part” of new zealand (of which there are several), but i did go the house where the treaty between nz and england was signed, as well as the world’s biggest war canoe,
  7. i am now, officially, a tree hugger.  there’s a kauri tree, somewhat like the american redwood, in new zealand that the maoris believe bring you good energy if you hug it, so i complied,
  8. got some good business done,
  9. signed on some new agents,
  10. took on even more duties since my domestic counterpart is leaving the company, but will get to have some fun with it,
  11. nz also has law and order a lot, though i was often too jetlagged to make the 8:30 showtime,
  12. yes, flight of the conchords is  popular there,
  13. there is a store in australia called mooks.  seriously.  it’s very trendy.  can’t figure out why it hasn’t made it to the us, though…
  14. LA still sucks, but having a gps in your car makes it almost bearable,
  15. LA kind of rules for having a gun club downtown that you can go to, rent any kind of non-automatic and shoot.  i tried a glock 9 mm (what the coppers in nyc use- thought it might be prudent to give it a test drive in case i go that way).  also tried a .357 magnum revolver with .38 caliber bullets.  MUCH better for target practice,
  16. next time i want to try rifles and shotguns,
  17. i’ll probably never make it as a sharpshooter,
  18. hailed the return of russel crowe during 3:10 to yuma, which needed a better director to handle that star power,
  19. ate like crap,
  20. watched t.o. devour the giants on sunday night football, which is the only way i could ever tolerate a dallas-led giants loss,
  21. saw bubba on letterman whilst in oz.  still love and worship him and need his new book,
  22. decided elvis should rise from the dead to take out all those responsible for the “viva viagra” campaign- pfizer, the ad agency and the people in his estate that OKed that deal,
  23. was amired by a hot (female) bartender for my choice of drink (whiskey on the rocks) and my job,
  24. got worked on by an aussie physiotherapist and was massively impressed.  he thinks i should be much more healed and is going to hunt for someone in new york to help me,
  25. i love bubba.  i know it’s a repeat, but i like round numbers.  and i really love him.

oh, and the catalan has been IMing; he can’t wait for me to visit.  i gotta try and swing that.

stab! bang! aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh

well, kiddies, it’s happened.  i’ve finally gotten over the first hump: i acutally feel better.  my physical therapy has begun to have a lasting, measurable effect.

i noticed this going in to stab therapy on thursday.  i was walking in, and while not pain free, the pain was less pervasive and less severe than normal.  despite the utter teddy bear debacle that rained down on monday and all the associated stress that came with it, i wasn’t a complete wreck. 

i mean, you can only imagine.  i have my most important brand in my most important territory rocking, rolling and generally kicking aussie ass when my local agency goes bankrupt.  with a whole lotta my dough in the bank.  bucks that have already been spent to make the most amazing program- something i was planning on wowing my company and the industry with.  and bam!  lockdown.  and here i am on the other side of the world, holding the bills and not much else.  to top it off, try explaining to anyone that you’re staying up past midnight and feeling severely pressured because the freaking teddy bears are in crisis.  you don’t exactly engender a lot of sympathy.  or credibility, for that matter.

anyway.  i won’t go into detail because it just sounds more and more ridiculous.  the point is, people, that i feel the difference.  despite the stress and the travel and the irregular schedules and all of it.  i feel better.  i’ve been going to stab therapy for nearly nine months and was beginning to lose hope.

little by little, i’ve been healing.  i guess i just got to the point that it was appreciable enough for me to notice. 

or maybe it’s just due to all the sex.  whatever.  i’ll take it.

(total aside: spinal tap is on.  it’s the mini-bread scene.  christopher guest is genius.  i don’t know how they even get through the takes without losing it)

I have good news and irrelevant news OR Even in Australia, Law & Order is always on

First, the good news:

Flying to Australia is not too traumatic.  Granted, I was in business class on both legs- New York to LA and LA to Sydney, but that’s not really the key factor.  The essential thing is two-fold: a) break it up.  Fly to LA, hang out with Howard (or whomever your local LA yokel is) and take the second leg on a different day.  Second: take drugs.  Ambien or Xanax or Valium, or whatever your doc will supply.  It helps fend off boredom for 14 hours, aids you in not noticing that you’ve been in the same position for almost two work days, and it will also help in alleviating jet lag. 

I had delays on all four ends of my trip, so got to Sydney (hold on, gotta do some serious math) about 24 hours after I left JFK, went to the hotel, peeled off my clothes and then went to see what absolutely, positively “had to be seen” if one had one day in Sydney, which, incidentally is what I had thanks to the “St. Paddy’s Day storm of 2007.” 

I walked all along the harbour, saw the Opera House (amazing) and Harbour Bridge, took a ferry from Circular Quay to Darling Harbour (if it weren’t so beautiful and laid-back, the precious names would make you vomit), grabbed some food, walked around, went to a zoo and aquarium and hobbled back to my hotel for food and rest.  I probably passed out around 7 pm, about three minutes after Law & Order came on.  It was like a baby blanket, or a warm bath; it put me right at home and out I went.

Now, I never sleep well the first night I’m away in a fancy hotel, so I woke up several times during the night.  And everytime I did, L&O* was there, on the screen, waiting to lull me back to sleep.  It seriously happened four or five times.  And every time I was only awake long enough to recognize the episode, recall the ending, put my head back down and shut my wee peepers.

I flew to Melbourne this morning (LA to Sydney’s NY), had meetings all day, ate dinner and settled in to check email.  Pop on the telly and, well, you’llneverguesswhat: Law & Order. Hopefully I’ll stay awake long enough to finish typing this out.

So, to sum up:

a) 14 hours from LA to Sydney, or only a couple more hours than to Athens.  Worth every minute to arrive in this beautiful, friendly country. 

2) It’s hot here, even in “autumn.”  Tomorrow it will be 33 degrees.  The mere mention of it melted my brain so fast that it took even longer than usual to do the conversion to Faranheit. 

Third) Law & Order is the tie that binds, even on the other end of the planet.

IV)  Traveling to a place for business may be great as far as the ride is concerned, but you don’t really see the place.  I have NO idea what things cost in Australia because all I do is go to meetings and pay hotel prices, which are thoroughly outrageous.

and, finally:

The US Dollar sucks.  Seriously.

* The irrelevant news, in case you were wondering, or paying attention at the beginning.


truth

“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

truth

Upon common theatres, indeed, the applause of the audience is of more importance to the actors than their own approbation. But upon the stage of life, while conscience claps, let the world hiss! On the contrary if conscience disapproves, the loudest applauses of the world are of little value - john adams
November 2017
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from the man who taught me everything:

“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.”

bygones