Archive for the 'dating' Category

oh, bell hop? you seem to have forgotten this enormous trunk.

so, i may be writing a little prematurely, but then, it seems, i tend to do lots of things prematurely.  like write people off.  other things i take too long to do, like pack the emotional baggage and send it on its way.

casey and i have played out, almost to the letter, exactly what i warned against just a few posts ago.

i jumped to conclusions- understandable given my recent history with the opposite sex and wrote him off.  erased his number (to prevent drunken texting), cursed him and sullied his name amongst my friends.  i emailed him to tell him why he’s an asshole.

he called immediately to voice his surprise- where was this coming from? and protest my conclusions.  after discussion he admitted that he should have been more vocal and communicative and my reaction was understandable.  sound familiar? 

i can’t believe it went down almost exactly as my general hypothesis outlined.

lame.  i hate being predictable.

anyway.  not sure what will happen.  i think we both feel like a-holes right now.

as we should.

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it has come to this.

whilst having drinks with my recently engaged best friend in from the left coast for the holidays, we got to talking about relationships.  he’d been lucky enough to find a girl that was not only beautiful, but honestly enjoys his entirely warped sense of humor and world view.

with us were two fellow single gals, both friends of my friend, both young, attractive, smart, kind.  we are of varying interests and temperaments, but share roman ancestry and cooking skills.  together, we agreed on the following list of criteria that must be shared by possible male suitors:

1. not creepy

2. does not like the movie the notebook, publicly or privately

3. reads

4. is nice

5. likes sports. 

n.b. you just cannot trust a man who does not understand and enjoy sports- be they the american past-times of baseball and football or foreigner friendly fare like soccer or rugby or hurling.  i think tyler durden would agree with us on this point.

it should be noted that, sadly, despite my new knee high black leather boots and witty repartee, none of the three men that have hit on me since the creation of these commandments has even come close to passing.  lo, they’ve actually failed on more than one count.

the only real question left to ask is this: how low will our standards sink by the time we reach 35?  or 40?  i mean, some of these ladies want kids.  to raise, not date.  i believe that actually needs to be pointed out.

ladies, for the love of all that is holy, do NOT make your man watch this film.  just pressing the play button on your remote automatically lowers testosterone by 38% and shrinks testicles up to 3 millimeters in diameter (each!). 

it’s science.

bell hop! take these bags, please. posthaste.

i’m about to offer a little insight into the female mind.  granted, i am not your typical typical girl, but that’s probably what allows me to observe and report on what’s going on in here.  i could offer theories and procolomations and diatribes on the differences between the sexes and the problems they bring to cross-gender communication, but bluhhhhh.  we’ve all heard it.  what makes this different, what makes this noteworthy, is that i believe that i’m finding myself in a very unique situation.

namely, i seem to be seeing a man who doesn’t have any weird hang-ups or baggage, or games.

wait!  don’t leave!  i’m serious.  he’s totally normal.  or, if you’re a relativist, he’s off the charts not normal.

exposition:

where to begin?  ah, yes.  so, as many an urban female in my age box, i am on match.com.  i am not an avid user, but feel that need to get myself out there, at least somehow and occasionally run across a guy, or even man, that piques my interest.  about a month ago, give or take, i came across such a person and we began to exchange the inane, awkward emails that are the hallmark of the digital dating age. 

these were funnier than most and progressed to the phone level within a week or so.  i encounter a problem: the long adored northern irish accent.  i love it, but i’m out of practice.  this embarasses me on many levels, mostly because i don’t want to make anyone needlessly repeat themselves.  it’s frustrating.  to combat this, i kept phone calls brief (i’d do that anyway, internet, because i am not a phone person).  knowing the paralyzing effect his speech patterns have on most americans, the man (lets call him casey, for reasons i may reveal one day), played along. 

we made a date.  going through the nightmare that is batshit, i didn’t feel very attractive, eloquent, or even sane, so i canceled.  relatively late in the day, too.  he handled it with grace.  we rescheduled.  date number two follows the pattern of date number one.  again, he’s gracious and understanding.  we text.  he uses some abbreviations, but not an “lol” in sight.  i wonder if i’m about to fuck up some serious potential.  i suggest date number three and casey agrees to meet me at a local bar for a drink.*

i text him that i’ll be the nerd at the bar with the giant history book- the truth, but also a mini-test.  i’m a nerd, an earnest nerd as opposed to snarky, ironic nerd, which seems to be the cooler kind.  he doesn’t flinch.  he shows up on time.  he’s as cute as his picture, if a bit skinnier.  he’s polite.  i understand him in person.  time and six or so rounds fly by.  he mentions juan carlos and hugo chavez.  we both do a double take when we realize that the other is actively and interestedly participating in this conversation.  we smile.  good sign.  he asks if i live close by.  i say “don’t even think about it.”  direct quote.  he laughs, unoffended and says “no.  i ask because this has got to be my last drink and i’d like to walk you home.” me: “f.  i’m sorry.  these things just come out of my mouth. i’m a disaster at being a girl.”  casey, with the appropriate amount of fliration “you seem to be doing just fine to me.”

we finish our drinks and he walks me home.  we’re both drunk, but he’s not creepy, nor aloof.  he says he’s not good at this, but he thinks it went well and would like to see me again; what did i think?  i agreed.  he walks me to the front, gives me a kiss (yum) and waits until i’m inside to leave.  i text him thanks.  he calls me to say he had a wonderful time, was glad i was such a good kisser and that he can’t believe he just said that.  he’s sorry; he’s not good at this.

second date: meet at the movies.  see a great film.  he cuddles up to me towards the end.  we go for dinner.  good conversation.  he walks me home again.  a tamer kiss (no booze this time).  he apologizes again for not being good at this.  i tell him he’s doing great and that it’s always awkward.  he looks forward to it not being awkward, can we do a third date?

blah blah.  it’s now been four or five dates.  he works really hard and i seem to be busier than hell lately, so we don’t get to meet up too often.  he texts every day.  calls occasionally (we’re both not phone people).  he says nice things.  he doesn’t get jealous.  he listens to me.  he offers information.  he’s a gentleman, but not cold.  my mini birthday gift didn’t freak him out- he loved it and was genuinely touched.

i warned him that i’m blunt and up front and do nice things for people and it usually freaks men out.  he seems genuinely surprised and baffled at this.  i told him about beefy mcweirdo, he shook his head.  he says what he means.  he is nice.  he appears to be honest, even to his detriment.  he’s a man.  i don’t think i could whip him if i wanted to.  i can’t find ulterior motives.  i’m totally at a loss.  who is this guy?

finally, the payoff: 

my insight.  i’m TOTALLY paranoid.  completely.  think maybe he doesn’t really like me, he’s just got nothing better going on.  it’s ridiculous.  we both recognize that i’m the one with my guard up.  i can’t help it.  i’ve been fucked over so hard lately.  and i let myself be.  it’s a tough tightrope to walk- being strong, but not closed off.  i’m doing OK, but not great. 

anyway, we rescheduled our date from tonight until tomorrow because of the ice storms- it makes coordination tricky.  it’s one day, and i’m already thinking: he doesn’t really like me.  if he really liked me, he’d forget the weather.  i’ve forgotten our last two dates where he worked 12 plus hour days and still hurried to meet me on time.  forget the fact that i’m in so much pain from the weather that i feel awful and honeslty prefer to be in bed, watching 30 rock.  i’m not letting that little badger named panic totally free in my head, because i know i’m being ridiculous.  i know i could flat out explain all this to casey and he would listen, not get creeped out, shake his head and assure me “honey, we can totally go out tonight if you like.  what movie do you fancy seeing?”  and it would be even cuter because it would be in that lilting brogue. 

women are freaks! we’re nuts.  now, don’t gloat guys, you’re equally insane, in your way.  our problem is that we let our brains get ahead of us.  we have conversations, grand scenes, events, relationships, endings, fights, possibilities play out in our heads in the span of a minute.  we’re so connected to our thoughts we feel these things as if they’re real.  ever wonder why your girl is pissed at you when you didn’t do anything?  you did.  you just did it in her head.  and you were such an asshole about it.

here’s the thing.  we can easily help yourselves.  men, be more forthcoming with information.  males and females both neglect to state what’s obvious to them.  women are just six days, weeks, years ahead.  men are that far behind.  or are on auto-pilot.  don’t take for granted that your girl knows why or what you mean. just tell her.  even if it’s not pleasant, trust me when i tell you that what we’re thinking is a probably a hell of a lot worse, and definitely more convoluted.  i know you hate to use extra words, but it will save so much pain.

and ladies, take your man’s words at face value.  and trust your instincts.  your gut instincts, not that nefarious badger in the back of your mind.  if the guys a liar or an asshole, you’ll figure it out.  in the meantime, so many misunderstandings and absurdities will be avoided.  you don’t need to know everything at all times.  trust me, it’s usually not all that interesting. 

i guess i’m in a good position because i’m kind of on to myself.  i know i’m being a paranoid jerk.  and i won’t act hurt or aloof tomorrow because acts of god prevented a man from taking me out tonight.   i’ll just be happy to see him.

provided he doesn’t secretly hate me and is planning to string me along for sport…

kidding!  kidding.  right?

* incidental tip – first dates should always be a drink, you can always expand.  it’s easier to do that than to try and contract if you don’t hit it off)

what do you get when you cross a hedge fund trader and a longshoreman?

well, that depends on whom you ask, i guess.  but according to ronnie of carle place, long island, what you get is what i, apparently, need. 

cs lewis and i met at the beer garden for a drink after an especially painful stab therapy session.  as i’d suspected, cs lewis’d made friends by the time i arrived.  ronnie and ralphie, two mooks of the highest order (a sincere compliment in my book).  they were waiting for friends, too and had invited cs to sit with them whilst she waited for me.

i was in a foul mood.  work had been especially rough, i’d endured 6 hours, 2 cancelled flights and several delays at cleveland hopkins airport.  i’d had to meet corky st kurtz, the ‘creative’ head of my division in the president’s club and had a very awkward conversation.  you know when you know that someone just does not like you, especially for no good reason, but you have to have polite, civil, and hopefully productive conversations with them?  and then they condescend to you and tell you to remain there after they leave and have some drinks because they’re free?  did i mention that i’m pretty much the only person out of seventy plus in the division actually bringing in revenue? 

couple that with the painful therapy and the fact that i had to get up early the next morning for an mri, and i was so close to going home and burying my head in my pillow.  luckily, i kept my date with cs because these guys were hilarious. 

ralphie and ronnie were joined by mikey and val.  the former being a high school english teacher living in his parents long island basement with a prodigious early eighties porn collection and the latter being a french immigrant working in technology who thoroughly enjoyed all the racist slurs and gallic slander we could conjure up.  ronnie was married, waiting for his wife to get home from a girls night out so they could celebrate their first anniversary together.

i must tell you that a night out drinking with a quadrumvirate of ball-busting mooks is exactly what the doctor ordered.

they gave very helpful advice on men. mostly from ronnie, who told me i scare the shit out of the stronger sex and that’s why i’m single (yeah, ronnie, that’s what i tell myself).  other roundtable topics included favorite authors, the best lines from fight club, shaving/ hair preferences and personal styles, why, exactly, mikey still lived in the basement, the diamond trade and nifty blackberry tips.

i had intended on going home early so as to avoid being hungover for my MRI, but stayed out late because it was such a fun and relaxing evening. 

i also learned it’s possible to play wingman via text (good luck with frenchy, cs!).

we definitely have to hang out with those guys again.  and, yes, daphne, you’ll be there.

it happened again.

i had another desperately sad deja vu this week when a wonderful,  gorgeous, funny, nice guy i work with asked about my boyfriend and when i said  i had nothing, he couldn’t believe it.  he was shocked that i’m single and told me that all the guys on his team think i’m the coolest.  he couldn’t imagine a world in which i was single.  if he wasn’t engaged…

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
 
it wasn’t sleazy, and i know he meant it as a compliment, but i really hate it when they say that.

but, it’s not just me. 

a lovely, fun and beautiful friend of mine, ms. savory, has had her share of troubles.  she was telling me just last night that she met this funny, nice guy who was pursuing her.  they had talked about maybe taking a next step towards exclusivity and after spending a few fun and margarita filled hours with me at our hell’s kitchen local discussing rimmers with our flirty, friendly, irish bartender, she went off to meet him so they could make the advances they’d discussed.

fast forward to this morning.  i receive a text from ms. savory:

last night he asked me if i wanted to be exclusive and take the next step.  i said yes.  then he said his ex moved back on tuesday and they’re giving it another shot.

no shit.

i mean what the?  why’d he ask? 

me confused.

hit me with your best shot

– you’re sex on legs.

– you have any english in you?  no? want some?

– please, you beautiful hair.  come back to my house of love.

– it’s so hot that you won’t come home with me.  morals really turn me on. 

– i have this bet with joey that i’m the better kisser.  will you be the contest judge?

– i’m sixteen stone of pure man and you have the most set teeth that i have ever seen.  we must go out.

– damn! where you from, girl?  i need to know where they make ‘em like you so i can get me one.

– with your beauty and my brains, we could do anything.

– you know, susan, if you’da been just a little bit nicer to me, just a little bit, i woulda slept with you.

– hey, wanna go back to your place and watch the empire strikes back?

60% of the time, it works every time.  for me, anyway.

key things to know.  well, not really key.  more like relevant.  one, to quote the inimitable whitney houston, my name is not susan.  not even my middle or confirmation name.  second, that last one worked.  twice.  with two different guys.  what?  since when did i deny being hopelessly nerdy?

as you may have guessed, these are some of the more choice pick-up lines i’ve heard over the years, which came to mind as i zombie at home watching tv on saturday night.  by choice, people, by choice.  seriously.  scout’s honor. anyway, god bless ‘em all, i say.  because every one of them is more attractive than a guy who emails me pictures of cats with clever sayings superimposed on the photos. 

NB: this last sentence contains sarcasm, but leads me to an earnest tangent: what the hell is an LOL cat?  i thought someone was joking (badly) when i heard that term.  then i heard it again.  and i started thinking that once again, the kids were onto something to which i wasn’t privy.  so i did whatever any slightly out of touch, but not entirely clueless, thirty something does.  i googled it.  and lo, according to the software those fine folks out in silicone valley built, it’s an actual phenomenon, sweeping the web.  not only that, but the number one blog on this very site is all about them.  LOL cats.  ‘LOL anything’ is immediately disqualified from the possibility of being funny.  or even slightly amusing.  to top it off, they’re pictures of cats with sayings that match their “facial expressions.”  like that poster you thought was exceedingly lame in your fourth grade classroom with a kitten hanging from a branch and the caption “hang in there” posted underneath.  a phenomenon, people!  let me just say that there’s more than one reason to be happy to reach your thirties.

wait.  i didn’t start out to talk about these damn things.  it was about pick up lines.  which, after the cat thing, seem so much less egregious. 

what i’m trying to get to is that i’d like to invite the fine folks out there to share the best, worst, most sincere or nonsensical line they’ve ever received, given or overheard.  oh, and whether or not it worked.  it’s only fair.  i ‘fessed up to the empire strikes back thing. 

breathlessly awaiting your responses…

Protected: names have been changed to protect the clinically insane

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when the good ‘ship sails

literalism!

it is so much harder than walking away from a best friend than a boyfriend (girlfriend), no?  there can be something so much more intimate about a true, close friendship than a romantic relationship.

for one thing, a truly good friend really likes you for who you are.  they appreciate you for you.  that’s why they’re here. 

think about how many couples you know who love each other, but don’t really like each other.  you know the ones, “honey, don’t do that.”  “baby, that’s not funny.” “oh, not this again.” 

friends also support you in a way that a signifiliteralism!literalism!literalismcant other often cannot.   they don’t have an agenda for you other than your happiness and/or well being.  it’s not about them.  it’s about you.

i’m talking true friendships, not co-dependencies, people-habits (e.g. you grew up with them, they’re not so bad, etc.) or the friendly acquaintance.  they can be rarer than relationships and truer than family because you actively did something, no matter how big or small, to have them in your life. 

and realizing that the shoulder that you can always cry on has turned away, even a small degree, is a cruel, cruel reality.

the digital divide; fellas, listen up!

Boys, this one’s on the house. 

I’m going to give you a little insight into something that drives a majority of ladies, chicks, broads, skirts, girls, women, females crazy.  It actually makes the top of most deal-breaker lists.  A complete and total turn off.

wut is it? u ask. wut could b so bad as 2 make girlz want 2 puke on ur faces?

Text speak, aol-speak, whatever you want to call it.  don’t let this be youIt’s disgusting. 

Inane abbreviations and mispellings appropriate ONLY for twelve year old kids with ADD who never knew better.  You save a couple of key strokes on your computer or hits to the entry pad on your cell phone, but you’re losing an inestimable amount of stock points.  It’s the single most emasculating thing a man can do to himself.

I’m all for parsimony, and I know we’re all busy, but trust me, the extra second you’ve saved yourself is not worth the hits your manhood is taking.

No, I’m not exaggerating.  I know many girls that will immediately write off a guy who texts or IMs her in this manner, or WORSE, emails this way.  It may seem shallow, but consider it.  We’re looking for men.  MEN.  Not little boys.  And not idiots.  It makes you seem illiterate, unintelligent, ineloquent, delinquent, remedial, and to some, like you can’t take two seconds to try and impress a lady.

So, take the time to actually spell out words, as close to the actual spelling as you can manage.  The T9 or word setting on your phone is there to help you; it’s your friend.  It helps you speed up your typing AND is like a little spell-check angel.  It will also remember non-standard words that you use often (like the way Silvija’s name is spelled, or the name of a favorite bar, or even shit, tits, boobs, whatever you like to write).  Email has spell check.  With IM, you’re on your own, but most people are forgiving, as long as you make the effort.

I’ll break it down for you, to make it real easy like:

1.  Turn on the T9/ word function on your phone.  It’s there to help you.

2.  Do not write LOL, LMAO, TTYL or some such inanity under any circumstances.

3.  Do not write in ALL CAPS.  IT LOOKS LIKE YOU’RE YELLING AT US.

4.  Do not insert smiley faces to punctuate.  Indicate that you are kidding some other way. (ha ha, heh, etc. are acceptable).

5.  Do not insert numbers into words to spell them out (gr8, l8r, etc.  Who are you, Avril Lavigne?).

6.  Do use whole words.  It indicates you can think. 

7.  Do use punctuation.  It indicates that you care about what you’re saying.

Now, I will admit that there are some ladies who don’t actually mind the abbreviations of the modern texting age and use them themselves.  Of course, if you happen to be conversing with such a lady, it is totally appropriate to “speak” in kind.

8.  However, IT IS NEVER OK TO EMAIL this way. 

9.  Err on the side of caution.  Most ladies feel this way, so unless you’ve seen your potential girl* use such language, don’t do it.  Better safe than sorry.

I mean, hey, it’s not like we’re expecting you to learn the difference between their, they’re and there or it, it’s and its or to, too and two or even your and you’re.  Though, you can really impress a lady (and your parents and co-workers) by mastering these few tricks.

You always say you don’t know what women want.  Well, I’m here to tell you.  It may hurt your feelings, but nut up!  It’s for your own good. 

*of whatever variety- this can even kill a sex-only relationship as it can bare a direct relationship to the degree of attraction a lady has for her male companion.

how not to court a lady with the written word

how not to court a lady with the written word

write like a teenager without riddlin:

hi how r u wow u r super cute my name is ****** and i’ll like to know a little more about u thank u byeeeee

write like james joyce without the genius:

just curious where the seagull was or where you were with him or not so ensenuate you were with him but you know where was he located? its either someplace in italy or the northern california coast. I like elephants. I have one on my desk at work. His bumm is facing me as i was told thats good luck. iv’e never met one up close but they seem very sweet. I don’t think iv’e come across a woman who likes steinbeck and smash mouth football. can you play any softball? we have a weakness on the womens side of the field and not much better to speak of the men. i’m ******, I sell advertising for NYTimes.com, and enjoy bass fishing. just kidding about the bass fishing but i do fish sometimes in between sales calls on the road. so now that the college and pro’s of football are on a break do you watch the arena league? the courthouse i’m doing jury duty at has one of the 8 or 9 L&O’s filming i was told. I dosed out on L&O, about three years ago while unemployed (ben bratt, and i were coat shopping once at barneys on a tues, afternoon, very tall guy) but swear to catch up when retired or debilhitated or both. i’m sort of a tomboy too. i can chnage my own bike tire and my oil in my car.

write like james joyce without the genius, part II

Hi my name is **** from Woodhaven queens just finished reading your profile very interesting you seem like a down to earth female with a great personality my interests include cooking, picnics, playing sports (baseball, basketball, football, handball) I currently work in telecom imma Transmissions Tech and im also a part time Musician I have no kids and no drama issues if you’d like to chat by all means you can reach me on aim *********

Be too far:

Hi beautiful girl how are you on this morning ?

– from El Caribe, Venezuela

Be too far, too old, too creepy:

Hello Sexy Face my name is Emilee.i was touched on move after view your profile and i decided to contact you privately.can you please tell me little about you.am free minded man….i will like to share anything you want to know about me.promise not to hide anything from you.hope to hear from you very soon.Thanks

— emilee001, 66, Toledo, OH


truth

“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

truth

Upon common theatres, indeed, the applause of the audience is of more importance to the actors than their own approbation. But upon the stage of life, while conscience claps, let the world hiss! On the contrary if conscience disapproves, the loudest applauses of the world are of little value - john adams
November 2017
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from the man who taught me everything:

“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.”

bygones