Archive for the 'nonsense' Category

i can say i knew her when

maybe i’m a total doofus, but i just got really excited because one of my best friend’s improv groups is referenced in the NYTimes today.  And called nonsensical (the name, not the improv)!!!!

sileva is famous

also, when i got to my brand new office today and my brand new job, there was a ringwraith riding a fellbeast figure hanging from my ceiling.

home at last.

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what do you get when you cross a hedge fund trader and a longshoreman?

well, that depends on whom you ask, i guess.  but according to ronnie of carle place, long island, what you get is what i, apparently, need. 

cs lewis and i met at the beer garden for a drink after an especially painful stab therapy session.  as i’d suspected, cs lewis’d made friends by the time i arrived.  ronnie and ralphie, two mooks of the highest order (a sincere compliment in my book).  they were waiting for friends, too and had invited cs to sit with them whilst she waited for me.

i was in a foul mood.  work had been especially rough, i’d endured 6 hours, 2 cancelled flights and several delays at cleveland hopkins airport.  i’d had to meet corky st kurtz, the ‘creative’ head of my division in the president’s club and had a very awkward conversation.  you know when you know that someone just does not like you, especially for no good reason, but you have to have polite, civil, and hopefully productive conversations with them?  and then they condescend to you and tell you to remain there after they leave and have some drinks because they’re free?  did i mention that i’m pretty much the only person out of seventy plus in the division actually bringing in revenue? 

couple that with the painful therapy and the fact that i had to get up early the next morning for an mri, and i was so close to going home and burying my head in my pillow.  luckily, i kept my date with cs because these guys were hilarious. 

ralphie and ronnie were joined by mikey and val.  the former being a high school english teacher living in his parents long island basement with a prodigious early eighties porn collection and the latter being a french immigrant working in technology who thoroughly enjoyed all the racist slurs and gallic slander we could conjure up.  ronnie was married, waiting for his wife to get home from a girls night out so they could celebrate their first anniversary together.

i must tell you that a night out drinking with a quadrumvirate of ball-busting mooks is exactly what the doctor ordered.

they gave very helpful advice on men. mostly from ronnie, who told me i scare the shit out of the stronger sex and that’s why i’m single (yeah, ronnie, that’s what i tell myself).  other roundtable topics included favorite authors, the best lines from fight club, shaving/ hair preferences and personal styles, why, exactly, mikey still lived in the basement, the diamond trade and nifty blackberry tips.

i had intended on going home early so as to avoid being hungover for my MRI, but stayed out late because it was such a fun and relaxing evening. 

i also learned it’s possible to play wingman via text (good luck with frenchy, cs!).

we definitely have to hang out with those guys again.  and, yes, daphne, you’ll be there.

blast from the past

do you guys remember this?  i think it only aired in the ny, nj, ct tri-state area, so the local yokels’ ears may perk up a bit.  for the rest of you, the beat may seem familiar as it is the basis for the busta rhymes song “dangerous,” from which he also took many of the lyrics.  apparently, he only realized it after the song had been released and hit the top of the charts.  he tried to do the right thing by the psa council, but they didn’t mind.  some accountant or something wrote it and i don’t think it was ever copyrighted.  

 lorla, this one’s for you:

Protected: names have been changed to protect the clinically insane

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things to do on a rainy day

the one and only 64the 64box of 64that is if you’re an enormous nerd like me.

1.  Watch a Lifetime movie starring Jenna Elfman as a woman obsessed with a surgeon who has invented an entire relationship in her head (as well as a gauzily-lit psychiatrist and a contempt of court-prone journalist).  Best line from the court-appointed psychiatrist: “she has seven of the ten traits of an assassin.”  …?  I didn’t know these had been catalogued.  Fortunately, the good people at Lifetime TV have their eyes on things.

Aside: Thank god people don’t diagnose themselves with imagined illnesses based on Lifetime plots like they do on WebMD.  My friend Christina jokes that she hates that website because somehow, whenever she feels ill and researches her symptoms, she ends up with a diagnosis of testicular cancer and the prognosis does not look good.  The Lifetime result would be neuro-eroticism (Jenna’s official diagnosis) or imaginary child syndrome (featured in an excellent production starring Rita Wilson and Victor Garber, by the way).

2. Color in your coloring books.  Yeah, you heard me.  I do indeed have coloring books.  And man, do I need some new ones.  At this point I’m pretty much down to the German Sesame Street coloring book I got as a freebie at an old job.  It’s not very challenging, but it is awesomely sterotypical as several of the scenes face pages that firmly instruct kiddies on exaclty which colors to use and how one must play properly. 

3.  Brush your teeth a lot.  For some reason, being lazy makes my mouth feel dirty.  God help me if a Freudian gets a hold of this sentence.

4.  Watch Empire Strikes Back.  Awesome, it is.

5.  Play word games on a website designed for seven year olds.  It’s not that I’m looking for easy- I can usually nail the Sunday Times crossword in half an hour flat- I just need enough points to buy my virtual pet some food and books.  I don’t want my red, bowtie wearing penguin to be considered stupid, after all.

6. Whatever you do, don’t clean, organize, balance your check book, pay bills, write to people or make overdue phone calls.  That sounds like work, man.  And we cannot have that on our rainy day off. 

7. Write inconsequential entries on your blog to bide time until the Psychic Detectives marathon begins. 

the digital divide; fellas, listen up!

Boys, this one’s on the house. 

I’m going to give you a little insight into something that drives a majority of ladies, chicks, broads, skirts, girls, women, females crazy.  It actually makes the top of most deal-breaker lists.  A complete and total turn off.

wut is it? u ask. wut could b so bad as 2 make girlz want 2 puke on ur faces?

Text speak, aol-speak, whatever you want to call it.  don’t let this be youIt’s disgusting. 

Inane abbreviations and mispellings appropriate ONLY for twelve year old kids with ADD who never knew better.  You save a couple of key strokes on your computer or hits to the entry pad on your cell phone, but you’re losing an inestimable amount of stock points.  It’s the single most emasculating thing a man can do to himself.

I’m all for parsimony, and I know we’re all busy, but trust me, the extra second you’ve saved yourself is not worth the hits your manhood is taking.

No, I’m not exaggerating.  I know many girls that will immediately write off a guy who texts or IMs her in this manner, or WORSE, emails this way.  It may seem shallow, but consider it.  We’re looking for men.  MEN.  Not little boys.  And not idiots.  It makes you seem illiterate, unintelligent, ineloquent, delinquent, remedial, and to some, like you can’t take two seconds to try and impress a lady.

So, take the time to actually spell out words, as close to the actual spelling as you can manage.  The T9 or word setting on your phone is there to help you; it’s your friend.  It helps you speed up your typing AND is like a little spell-check angel.  It will also remember non-standard words that you use often (like the way Silvija’s name is spelled, or the name of a favorite bar, or even shit, tits, boobs, whatever you like to write).  Email has spell check.  With IM, you’re on your own, but most people are forgiving, as long as you make the effort.

I’ll break it down for you, to make it real easy like:

1.  Turn on the T9/ word function on your phone.  It’s there to help you.

2.  Do not write LOL, LMAO, TTYL or some such inanity under any circumstances.

3.  Do not write in ALL CAPS.  IT LOOKS LIKE YOU’RE YELLING AT US.

4.  Do not insert smiley faces to punctuate.  Indicate that you are kidding some other way. (ha ha, heh, etc. are acceptable).

5.  Do not insert numbers into words to spell them out (gr8, l8r, etc.  Who are you, Avril Lavigne?).

6.  Do use whole words.  It indicates you can think. 

7.  Do use punctuation.  It indicates that you care about what you’re saying.

Now, I will admit that there are some ladies who don’t actually mind the abbreviations of the modern texting age and use them themselves.  Of course, if you happen to be conversing with such a lady, it is totally appropriate to “speak” in kind.

8.  However, IT IS NEVER OK TO EMAIL this way. 

9.  Err on the side of caution.  Most ladies feel this way, so unless you’ve seen your potential girl* use such language, don’t do it.  Better safe than sorry.

I mean, hey, it’s not like we’re expecting you to learn the difference between their, they’re and there or it, it’s and its or to, too and two or even your and you’re.  Though, you can really impress a lady (and your parents and co-workers) by mastering these few tricks.

You always say you don’t know what women want.  Well, I’m here to tell you.  It may hurt your feelings, but nut up!  It’s for your own good. 

*of whatever variety- this can even kill a sex-only relationship as it can bare a direct relationship to the degree of attraction a lady has for her male companion.

truth in advertising: when reality meets the tsa

so, on one of my many early morning jaunts to the cleve of late, i was standing in a very long security line at about, oh, five thirty in the morning.  nervous travelers abounded, anxious to catch their flights, but the line was not moving.  this gave me several long minutes to really take in the ambience of the continental terminal at lovely LaGuardia airport.

i look to my left and there’s a life size poster for the TSA or the Port Authority of NY/ NJ and their amazing dedication to customer service.  It read something like this: “We’re dedicated to your comfort and satisfaction as much as we are your safety” with a nice smiling lady assisting a customer.  Next to this was an actual, though decidedly less smiley, airport employee.

cue the really late and extremely nervous woman who runs up to said employee and asks if she (the employee) can help as she (the flyer) is definitely going to miss her flight because the line has not moved.  to which she (the employee), clearly inspired by her calling and mission responds:

“lady, that’s too bad.  ALL these people (sweeping hand gesture) gonna miss their flights.  now get back at the end of the line.  next time you might wanna get here early.”

and, scene.

how not to court a lady with the written word

how not to court a lady with the written word

write like a teenager without riddlin:

hi how r u wow u r super cute my name is ****** and i’ll like to know a little more about u thank u byeeeee

write like james joyce without the genius:

just curious where the seagull was or where you were with him or not so ensenuate you were with him but you know where was he located? its either someplace in italy or the northern california coast. I like elephants. I have one on my desk at work. His bumm is facing me as i was told thats good luck. iv’e never met one up close but they seem very sweet. I don’t think iv’e come across a woman who likes steinbeck and smash mouth football. can you play any softball? we have a weakness on the womens side of the field and not much better to speak of the men. i’m ******, I sell advertising for NYTimes.com, and enjoy bass fishing. just kidding about the bass fishing but i do fish sometimes in between sales calls on the road. so now that the college and pro’s of football are on a break do you watch the arena league? the courthouse i’m doing jury duty at has one of the 8 or 9 L&O’s filming i was told. I dosed out on L&O, about three years ago while unemployed (ben bratt, and i were coat shopping once at barneys on a tues, afternoon, very tall guy) but swear to catch up when retired or debilhitated or both. i’m sort of a tomboy too. i can chnage my own bike tire and my oil in my car.

write like james joyce without the genius, part II

Hi my name is **** from Woodhaven queens just finished reading your profile very interesting you seem like a down to earth female with a great personality my interests include cooking, picnics, playing sports (baseball, basketball, football, handball) I currently work in telecom imma Transmissions Tech and im also a part time Musician I have no kids and no drama issues if you’d like to chat by all means you can reach me on aim *********

Be too far:

Hi beautiful girl how are you on this morning ?

– from El Caribe, Venezuela

Be too far, too old, too creepy:

Hello Sexy Face my name is Emilee.i was touched on move after view your profile and i decided to contact you privately.can you please tell me little about you.am free minded man….i will like to share anything you want to know about me.promise not to hide anything from you.hope to hear from you very soon.Thanks

— emilee001, 66, Toledo, OH

o canada, or for those who thought of leaving when bush was elected

Biker Romp ‘Wild Hogs’ Debuts at No. 1
Sunday March 4 2:54 PM ET

The biker buddy comedy “Wild Hogs” and its ensemble cast of John Travolta, Martin Lawrence, William H. Macy and Tim Allen was the weekend box office champ with a $38 million take, according to studio estimates Sunday.

It was Walt Disney Co.’s biggest March opening ever. It was also the largest-ever debut for the 53-year-old Travolta as well as the best non-animated movie debut for Allen, who is also 53. Macy turns 57 next week and Lawrence turns 42 next month.

“It’s so easy to see in the material how much fun they were having together. The audience was looking for that first great comedy of the year,” said Disney president of distribution Chuck Viane.Wild Hogs” performed well beyond expectations, said Paul Dergarabedian, president of box-office tracker Media By Numbers. It had been expected to be No. 1 with earnings in the $25 million range, he said.

“It’s just astonishing,”* Dergarabedian said. “It was the perfect vehicle for these four stars. A combination of star power, great concept and great marketing was responsible.
“This is not an Oscar contender, but it’s a fun time at the movies. You know, sometimes it’s just about escapism.”

No other films were even close.

The No. 2 movie was the thriller “Zodiac,” which debuted with $13.1 million. “Ghost Rider” fell to No. 3 in its third week of release with $11.5 million, “Bridge to Terabithia” was fourth with $8.6 million, and “The Number 23” dropped to fifth with $7.1 million in its second week.

Eddie Murphy‘s “Norbit” continued to draw crowds, placing sixth in its fourth week of release with a $6.4 million take that boosted its cumulative tally to $83 million.

“Music & Lyrics” was No. 7 with $4.9 million and the new movie “Black Snake Moan,” about an aging black man who chains a young white woman to a radiator to cure her of her demons, only took in $4 million for eighth place.

Rounding out the Top 10 was ninth place “Reno 911!: Miami” with $3.8 million and “Breach” with $3.5 million.

Estimated ticket sales for Friday through Sunday at U.S. and Canadian theaters, according to Media By Numbers LLC. Final figures will be released Monday.

* Understatement of the century, fella.

I once read an article that stated that nine out of ten studio films never get completed. NINE. This gem is in the 10% that the studio execs felt worthy of finishing. Also in the top ten? Norbit. NORBIT.

I went and saw Zodiac. It’s smart. It’s interesting. It’s based on real history. It’s well-acted. It has Jake Gyllenhaal (so what if I tried to lick the screen). It has Mark Ruffalo. It’s directed by David Fincher. It’s tense. It’s gripping. It’s a good f&*^T^&ing film, America! What the F? Wild Hogs? Seriously? When I saw the ad for that film, I couldn’t believe I was living on Earth.

Everyone says Vancouver is a lovely place. I think it’s about time I found out.

PLS BE MINE….U TOUCH MY SOUL

do NOT attempt to adjust your monitors. this is an actual email i got this morning from match.com. like i could make this up if i wanted to…

ahem….:

MY ANGEL FRIEND…………. i dont really know how to start off but………..you have a beautiful profile that attracted my heart. your beauty and smile captured my imagination and my heart started falling for you ,thats because Your smile has a beauty that I find in no other profile.. Your eyes hold a sexiness and a passion others can only long for. As long as my heart beats, I shall seek out your soul and be fulfilled!!!! in your beauty. definately i know that u will be a very special person in my life……just seeing ur lovely profile for the first time today…….. perhaps start been friends today might be the best thing of our lifes !!!!just know and understand my heart longs for you and Giving away a heart can hurt … . But, receiving one is the greatest gift.i cant wait to talk you…………i am online now “pls add me and lets have a chat on my YAHOO MESSANGER my ID is {nicole_hedson_04} or pls email me at nicole_hedson_04@yahoo.co.uki cant wait to hear from you..QUEINS N.H.

just a quick couple of things that stick out (everything is relative, people):

  • this ‘person’ is located in the UK
  • nicole hedson. is supposed to be a man. a man! now i know that in this post-gender revolution world, names can be deceiving as far as gender is concerned, plus foreigners can be weird, but, um, zunh?
  • also, this is pretty clearly spam. it boggles the mind. why spam match?

truth

“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

truth

Upon common theatres, indeed, the applause of the audience is of more importance to the actors than their own approbation. But upon the stage of life, while conscience claps, let the world hiss! On the contrary if conscience disapproves, the loudest applauses of the world are of little value - john adams
October 2017
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from the man who taught me everything:

“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.”

bygones